Sunday, 19 June 2016

The Good Graduates Guide for Getting Generous Game

That's right! The 6 most important G's you'll ever feast your, tired, worn graduate eyes upon!

So you've graduated, you've got no university work left to do and now you want to find yourself a job; you've spend thousands of pounds on your degree, spent three years juggling employment, crippling debt, essays and basic nutrition and now you have to as your slightly distant uncle says and enter the real world.

The real world ey? £40,000 feels pretty real to me.
Well worry not, I have compiled for you the only list you'll ever need to be a great – fantastic even – graduate. A graduate that even you're cynical pre-thatcher working grandfather could be proud of.
I present to you The Good Graduates Guide for Getting Generous Game!

We aren't talking about catching a pheasant that pays his rent of time with a 10% tip, no sir. We are talking about how you leave the safety of your mold rotten kitchen to squeeze clients dry, that kind of game; ma boy!

Let the guide begin.

  • Nobody knows better than you: You've had, at minimum three years of specialist education after-all. You need to assert yourself, even from the interview stage. Perhaps you are being interviewed by the senior designer of a particularly good agency; make sure to try and analyse all fonts in your peripheral and estimate pantones for all pieces of their clothing, but above all else if they tell you there weren't aware of anything you know to be a sort-of-fact, make sure to snigger in their stupid, non-graduate face.
  • Working for free is good for your portfolio: It's just like your grandpappy said! I'm sure he did lots of free shifts when he was but a boy, when all this was fields and design was one of them concepts men in suits made up to sell expensive cereal. Make sure to take all the work you can and never, I repeat NEVER ask for anymore than zilch. Imagine how great your portfolio will looks for the next client who wants to commission you to rebrand their hotel in exchange for some of their lobby mints and an e-pat on the back.
  • Trends are your friends: The last thing anyone wants to see if your so called 'creative output' and for heaven's sake don't even think about trying anything else. Everyone knows that REAL CREATIVES follow trends. So close your eyes, link your hands onto the shoulder of the man in front of you and jump just on the trend train, destination hyper-inflated instagram likes via unrelated hashtags. TOOOOOT TOOOOT!
  • If it's not done with an Adobe product, is it really creative? Simple answer, No.
    Longer answer, No, it's not—silly child.
  • Pricing work is super easy: It's nothing to do about hours, value or expenditures. No sir!
    It's a well kept secret that the best way to price work is by getting in 3 pints of Carling with the lads, furiously hurling a handful or darts (or any sharp objects for that matter) at the nearest dart board; adding up all the numbers you hit, multiplying that by amount of people speared through said process. Voila! 
  • Always uphold a crippling mindset of self-doubt: How on earth do you expect and client to believe in work that you are pitching to them if you don't look down at your feet, cursing them for being so gosh darn Egyptian. Sure those dudes for Egypt made some pretty cool things, but you need to know that you aren't worth the carpet you are stood on, never mind the concrete holding up that meeting room; you lower-than-average maggot.
  • And finally, the most important of all. Carry an inflated sense of self-worth with the degree that you achieved. You earned it gurl! Waltz around the place, ignore your superiors and tell payroll you want a raise. I bet Dave (Northern Area Manager) doesn't know about Georgia O'Keefe, the scrub. You are a gift, a treasure and rightfully so the most intelligent person he's ever seen. Pentagram as so below you that Home Bargains don't know what a champion they are employing. Those dirty muggles.

Follow these easy steps and I 100% certify that within less than 36 years you can be a glorious intern at your nearest kebab shop / commercial printers. You are not crying because you are sad, you are crying because nobody understands that you are a creative genius, the greatest designer to ever make vector shapes of various items in your bedroom. 

This guide is your key to success, follow it. Unless you want to be one of those 'original creatives'. Ugh. What a load of old tosh.


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